Help, the water is above my glug

Miserable as hell. Hate everything here. House.maids.clean up.dirty clothes.messy cupboards.hate hate. Want to run run run
Main toh bhag rahi hu. Hun with the nasal ‘nnn’ as V would say. Hate him too. How do I get out of here. Lets start packing….Rhea clothes, Tanya clothes, Rheamedicine, Tanya medicine, electric kettle, cerelac, handheld blender, bottle, face cloth, feeding chair, pram.Oh godddd what am I doing? And go whr? Thx dom for the use of ur apt…umm I know its new but umm does it hv a geyser? Gas connection? Hmmm
Screwed I am totally out of shape. Tummy aches too. Must b stupid periods coming after all….there’s a phew..how did I get here?
No friends no one calls except wives of V’s subordinates who want to butter him up. The others don’t like me or V isn’t hierarchically positioned high enuf. Maybe both. What to do with the little one? What abt the constant bickering? Is it true that I love to crib? Do I make life hell for him? Cant imagine taking her in a stretcher…I will just die….i need help. Whats wrong? Everything. Could it hv bee the antibiotics that I took for that awful cough in the pregnancy? Why my poor little sweet Nunni. God knows what is in store for her. That’s the other thing, its so easy to write ‘God knows’ why doesn’t it come from the heart? Why is my belief not strong enough? I want to believe strongly in God…..why cant I. Is everything random? Why cant I believe that everything happens for a cause? I will be the most ardent devotee ever …just someone convince me.Please…Am I a loser? All the other girls of my batch seem to be managing kids and a job. Whats wrong with me? Should I separate from v? Is he calculating, selfish & too ambitious for anything else to matter or is he stuck between a rock and a hard place and trying to manage both as best as he can. Maybe I wouldn’t hv bugged him so much if I had friends…why don’t I hv friends? Am I snobbish & choosy ….yes…opinionated…yes…looks like I don’t much like myself. Whats happening? Somebody help me. Whay cant I help myself? Just pull myself together

To work or not to work

There is this endless debate in my head about whether I should get back to work or not. For the most part I know I won't because I just quit my job six months ago after walking the tightrope for a year and felt then that it was too hard on all of us. But now I'm bored and frustrated and wondering what to do with myself. I try to keep myself busy with learning new stuff when my daughter is away at school. Golf, driving, yoga,bharatnatyam. Most days I feel I made the right decision but there are days when I feel wasted, worthless.

Today started out being such a day, what with me sick and cooped up in the house and giving myself a 'what are you doing with your life' speech. Then Tanvi came back from school and told me all about odd and evil numbers. Odd numbers don't have friends (sad face here) and evil numbers do :) We had khichdi and rasam for lunch & watched Shaan. Now everyone's asleep and I'm going to make a hot chocolate and get back to my book Randamoozham (The Second Turn) by M.T Vasudevan Nair. Its the Mahabharata from Bhima's point of view.



I guess I just have to look at the bright side of things and carry on..